Doing, not doing and alchemical consciousness

This morning I caught my mind doing a loop the loop again. What if I can't find a way of making a living doing work I love? What if work I love won't bring in money? What if I run out of money and have to take a job I don't want?

I went and sat in the garden, looked at the new branches bravely growing from where some of its larger branches had been cut last year as they'd swamped the light from the garden. What had been cut off had left a blueprint. The tree was living out every chance to fulfil its original form, replace itself. I realised that the challenge was not simply to think of myself as an alchemist, but I had to live out of alchemical consciousness - to live from that place.

Starting now.

Last night I heard a friend had lost the plot and been sectioned. He had managed to escape from the secure unit in just his shorts and dressing gown - despite being on a five minute watch. Knowing he was in a bad state, 'out of his mind', I knew he was at risk of hurting himself or doing something crazy. My partner and I thought of all the places he might have gone. We checked his flat and went round to one of his friend's houses to look for him. After three hours he arrived back at the Unit of his own accord.

I promised his Mum I'd go and see him, so this morning I walked up to the shop to buy him some tobacco and sweets. I asked for American Spirit, the tobacco he likes. The assistant turned to her colleague and said:-

'Reminds me we haven't see that chap that comes in for this for quite a while.'

'No.' Replied her colleague.

I smiled. I bet they were thinking about him.

When I got home, another friend texted me. She is in bed unwell and would like a visit.

So today I wonder if I should I be joyful that I have a purpose - that I am free to go and spend time with friends when they need me; or sad that it's time I won't be able to spend on working on earning a living? Do these things connect at all? Is being on a spiritual path always going to be at odds with making money? I won't be paid for going to see my friends, in fact I'll be out of pocket buying things to take along, and using petrol running around.

Mid-post writing just had another call from friend in the unit's Mum. After reassuring her I'd ring her after visiting her son, taken another call from a friend asking if I can take her daughter to work this afternoon. Then there was my lovely daughter all distraught that she had 'lost' her CV and had to write one from scratch again. I suggested looking in her old sent email items, and hey presto, she found a copy.

This isn't, I hasten to say, by any means an average day in the life of The Reluctant Alchemist.

It's just today. But, as today is all there is, as far as we know, without relying on all our yesterdays to carry on bringing a today and a tomorrow, how do I want to live it out? Being resentful that I'm not yet earning a living from my dedication to following my path or being grateful that I can, in a few small ways, play my part?

I know it's not just about doing things. What's more important is how you do things. My mind has quietened, my thoughts have stopped looping for long enough to respond to each person, each situation, from a deeper place.

Thanks to my tree moment, I can now see all these situations as opportunities to practise living in alchemical consciousness.

Why wish our gold away?

What does it mean to be human?

It means to understand that our task is to engage with our struggles, to struggle with them rather than against them.

And yet it seems that so much of the human race is trying to hide from their issues or run away from them. We numb ourselves, tell ourselves it isn't our problem, pass blame on others, anything but deal with our troubles.

The way to grow in strength, understanding and insight is to open the door to our struggles; to recognise they are there for a reason.

We need to welcome our everyday experiences fully and discover what they have to teach us.

They contain the alchemical gold we need to feel more aware, awake and alive. More truly ourselves.

This does not mean positive thinking or affirmations or attempts to change what we are seeing and experiencing. Quite the reverse. It means finally seeing these things as they are - honouring our unique experiences, without judgment, without trying to make them different or better or wish them away.

The gold is life, it's adding life to you, you to life. It's the missing component that's been knocking on the door.

If we can stop struggling against our struggles for a moment, we might be able to greet what's actually there, rather than what we imagine is there.

This is all so worthwhile, because when we find the gold in the dross,

it changes us.